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The Cure for What Ails Whitey
Literal Face Saving Advice for Sufferers of Stupid White People Syndrome Stuck In An African American Ethical Zone

In describing the ethical nuances of the urban black American psyche I have elected to lean on a learned soul, who is a black man himself, and is better able to illuminate the gentrification conundrum that Whitey—and his high and mighty wife—finds himself in.

I give you, T. Spoone Slickens, Inquire, foremost authority on the Black Urban Experience in America.

“Class, what is the definition of the African American Ethical Zone?”

“Bitches, is you stupit!?!”

“Just look at the picture of the burning police van that that smartass whiteboy made a icon of for this informatory joint up in here!”

“Class dismissed.”

“Are you sassin’ me boy?”

“Look Mister I-wanna-be-a-smart-nigga-when-I-grow-some-hair-on-these-balls, Lesson One—and that shit is capitalized—has done been taught. Now git!”

Stupid White People Syndrome, by T. Spoon Slickens, Inquire

Why do we Black folks need to find a cure for white stupidity?

That is pretty simple to answer by way of a question that this brain dead generation can fathom.

That question is, where is Denzel?

Exactly! If life were a Denzel Washington movie things would be alright for white folks, because they would have Black Superman there to sort things out. For this reason it is of the utmost importance to define Stupid White People Syndrome and offer a course of self-treatment for these folks. This is important, because, while they may be delusional, they have also invented almost everything your greedy little paws touch upon. If we just let these people self-destruct we'll be back to living in huts a month after that last EBT card swipes for insufficient funds.

SWPS is an affliction of white folks who believe in a single standard of behavior for all of humanity. Not only do they believe that this single standard should exist, but that it does exist! Unbeknownst to these dumbasses is an entire world of seven-point-a-lot-a-billion colored folks who basically don’t believe in the useless shit white folks believe in. Now, that is okay when some hairy ass head hunter in East Bumfuck Mucluc don’t believe in passing up an easy kill. So long as that dumbass white person stays out of East Bumfuck Mucluc.

However, what you have in these here Disunited States of West Judea, is a bunch of dumbass hard-headed black folks crowded together—and wanting to spread out—while at the very same Newsblessed time, a bunch of dumbass soft-headed white folks with money want to sip coffee that’s been grown without some dumbass Latino peasant getting his ass whooped for being too slow about the process, in the very same shithole recently vacated by starving crack whores chasing those Wal-Mart Pop Tarts out into White Man’s Land —renovated, of course.

Obviously, as a former white man of repute once said, to some knuckleheaded white man wearing striped pants, “What we have here, is a failure to communicate.”

This white accredited course is in three segments. Each is an actual incident which occurred in Baltimore, Maryland, in the second week of May, in the year of our disappointed Lord two-thousand and fifteen. These will be posted separately on this crazy white man’s website, so that you sidewalk crawlers can access it on your mamma’s Obama phone. These lessons, or study segments as the contemporary jargon goes, shall consist of—and shall be read by your impatient asses in the proper order so as not to confuse that Jello that’s trying to take on a mold between your ears:

1. Miechlin Mikya’s Free Lunch

2. Scrimp Boy Sam’s Bouquet

3. Donell Weston’s Bitchegg Hotel

Until then, I am T. Spoone Slickens, your educator.

Add Comment
MaureenMay 17, 2015 1:28 AM UTC

This should be interesting! Hi James!
responds:May 17, 2015 2:16 PM UTC

Mister Slickens is busy today. But I promise to have his commentary published by the end of the week.