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‘Reading Hoodrat Sign’
Paleface Trace Reading of Enemy Bucks and Braves in the Urban Environment


If you, like I, am an endangered white urban ape, there is a formula for determining the likelihood that you will be confronted by a hoodrat buck or brave. The point scale below is cumulative. The higher the score, the greater the likely hood of violent encounters. Thus far Baltimore does not have a criminal Latino population. Therefore this guide is only valid in urban areas without a significant violent Latino population.

The Baseline Score

Over 99% of violent crime in Baltimore is committed by blacks. Therefore, your best indicator of a potential violent monthly encounter is the percentage of the population that is black, plus the indicated points for each additional factor. This scale is set monthly, as the hoodrat economy is a monthly affair, with no government money being pumped into the drug world between the 17th and 31st. Therefore, most encounters should happen in the latter half of the month.

For instance, if you live in an area that has 99% black population and is within walking distance [1 mile] of a Wal-Mart, you have a 109% chance of witnessing or being the object of a black or police act of violence. Violence includes verbal threats and harassment, panhandling, stalking, chasing, arrest, breaking and entering, etc.

Once you have determined your baseline black population percentage, add the following points for the following conditions.

Facilities

10: within 1 mile of a Wal-Mart

2: any non ethnic retail store within 3 blocks that is owned by an Asian, Middle-eastern or African. If an African is running an Ethiopian eatery, that does not count. But if he is selling cell-phones, that means the place is too dangerous for whites or blacks to do it. Whites are targeted as easy prey and blacks are betrayed by friends, relatives and employees, with both being run out of business in majority black areas.

-3: for any such establishment owned by a black or white in the same radius

1: for each corporate retail outlet, such as a drug store, dollar store, 7-11, etc.

5: for any black drinking establishment within 3 blocks

-1: for every mixed race bar within 3 blocks

-2 for every white bar within 3 blocks

Conditions [1 point each]

-trash in the street, gutters

-trash in yards and on sidewalks

-rats seen at night

-broken glass

-discarded alcohol containers

-old crime scene tape [meaning the cops don’t even clean up the scene when they are done]

-dead cats and dogs left on the sidewalk

-bicycle parts

-missing dog poster

-for every bus line that services the area within a half mile radius

Activity [2 points each]

-drug dealing, per stoop or corner, or distribution center like a crack-house

-street vending, such as selling sneakers out of cars, which has been going on all over Baltimore since the riots. This morning I walked by a car stopped in the middle of side street with locals standing by the open doors trying on shoes and haggling over prices.

-sex in public, indicated by condoms on the sidewalk and in gutters

-shooting up and smoking crack in public, indicated by crack vials and syringes on the sidewalks and in the gutters

-men loitering

-youths loitering

-men going shirtless

-illegal vehicles, like ATVs and dirt bikes, being ridden on the streets

-people walking in the middle of the street

-people standing in the middle of the street

-hookers walking the street

-rats seen during daylight hours

-police helicopter overhead more than once per week

-police sirens more than once per day [A siren means it’s bad. They usually just use lights]

-men sleeping in the open

-men walking pit bulls or rots

-panhandler established on a corner, with or without a sign

-dice games in alleys or on sidewalks

-drinking in public, paper bag or not

-fat tattooed white women wearing spandex and flip-flops, leading broods of mixed race children [usually during the first half of the month]

-junkies nodding out

Add up your score and round it to the nearest 10. If your score is 150 than you should be treated to 1.5 opportunities to be stalked, harassed, threatened, attacked, arrested, or to see an act of violence, per month.

Add Comment
Jim FryJune 16, 2015 8:46 PM UTC

After two years away from home, I've returned to northern Michigan and my bike. I took my first ride today and feel great after 15 miles. Reading this, I wonder, wouldn't a bike (perhaps with non-puncture tires) be a more expeditious and safe mode of transport through the hood? In short bursts today, I achieved 30 mph and few peeps I know can run that fast. Actually, none can!
responds:June 19, 2015 7:49 AM UTC

Speed is half the game, Jim.

Unfortunately, your bike is a coveted transportation device, and might draw attackers. It is probably a wash, with these two factors canceling each other out. I suggest looking at it situation by situation.

If using a bike for the purposes of urban evasion I suggest:

1. a mountain or trail bike—something rugged, not a road racing bike that sits you so high up and requires such a good surface

2. heightened awareness as your potential adversaries will emerge in your field of vision more abruptly—as you, them—which if you are aware should favor you

3. spatial maintenance, not getting close enough to be touched with an extended limb, or reached with a three stride burst of aggression, which is the urban charge range

4. travel tactically along varied pathways

It seems to me that a place like Detroit would be better for biking than a more congested venue like Baltimore. However, the hoodrats often vote for the bike. Recall the victorious rioter posing with raised fist before a line of Baltimore cops on his BMX style bike. Also, buses have bike racks on the front, which allow for extended mobility.

Healthy peddling, Jim.