Today, on my way to the local grocer to buy my dinner, I crossed the side street at the corner of the infamous ATM, where the police permit packs of hoodrats to gather and await mugging victims, where the actions described in A Dog Named Yo occurred, and where I was recently threatened, as related in Cowbell Put My Head In The Noose, I saw a shocking creature.
As the Founder and Chief of the Harm City Zoologist Association, I have categorized five types of hood rats and various prey species, including the mainstay yuppie and hipster.
The yuppie typically has its den raided for nest eggs and the collectable baubles it tends to gather beyond all perceived need, by less voracious brindle hoodrats, when they themselves are out acquiring more junk to litter their den.
The hipster on the other hand, is not the homebody that the yuppie is. The hipster likes to graze and enjoy various watering holes seemingly for the thrill provided by the proximity of predators! So the hipster is typically the victim of the more virulently aggressive pack hoodrats.
And of course there is the minor white ape, having the same nearly hairless white pelt as the hipster and the yuppie, but generally addicted to intoxicating compounds indigenous and introduced into the local environment. The minor white ape is typically attacked by the troupe hoodrat—or mob hoodrat. When I go out and about on my forays I like to disguise myself as a minor white ape as it provides me with the best proximity footage of my subject, the Harm City Hoodrat, in his five subspecies, from least to most lethal:
1. Brindle Hoodrat [crossbred with minor white apes]
2. Feral Hoodrat
3. Pack Hoodrat
4. Troupe Hoodrat
5. Pride Hoodrat
The encyclopedic listing of their characteristics, nesting habits, etc., must wait for another day. However, a new form of hybrid prey has just emerged in the Harm City habitat, the Yupster!
Today I spotted my first yupster with his mate. They appeared to be a monogamous pair. The male was 5’ 8” and 150 pounds, fit, 40 years of age, out and about along a hipster credit access path, but travelling with the diligence of a minor white ape, while clothed and groomed in the fashion of a yuppie!
Unlike the generally estranged yuppies who separate from their females on foraging expeditions, and the emasculated hipster who defers to the female in their paired ventures and cuts quite the sissy figure, this hybrid was adhering to patriarchal procedures not seen this side of Israel.
The yupster approached to across the street from the ATM, his back to the church stairs. In the shadow of the edifice erected by those long dead patriarchs of his ancestral race, he directed his mate to stand with her guard dog, a respectably obedient mid-sized beast, which seemed to be part boxer and part pit bull.
Then, resplendent in his foraging sweater, he began to cross the street and spotted me advancing toward him. He then turned and hand-signaled for his mate to back up the church stairs to the door and crouch behind her guard dog, as he made a peacock show of passing by me. He did not advance to the ATM until he was sure that I was further from his mate than him, even as he continued scanning for hoodrats.
His mate did not appeal to me, so I spared him and his dog the humiliation of defeat and its attendant loneliness and continued to my destination.
I must say I was impressed by the diligence of this yupster male, and also well satisfied that he will pose no threat to my access to available females.
If you experience a yupster sighting, please forward your account.
Seriously, I am certain that I was observing the behavior of a married couple who is adjusting to recent violent crimes on their person, probably her person.
I've been reading your site for a while and it's been hugely informative. One thing just struck me which must be so obvious to Yanks that it doesn't even bear mentioning, but I have never felt much as a Canadian.
This "rat race" shit that everyone talks about: working oneself to death for 60 years to get into the retirement home of your choice. Around here, most people are lower middle class. Sure, hoodrats DO exist, but you can stroll around almost any part of my city at 3 AM and be fine (I don't live in Regent Park in Toronto, of course). I have never felt that fear, the pressure to get rich so I can move into a gated community or something - the kind of 'white flight' thing you talk about, that seems so commonplace as soon as I turn on American TV.