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Max
The Most Embarrassing Surprise Party


South Baltimore, 1985

Roger and about twenty of his older sister Tammy’s relatives decided to cheer her up for her birthday. She and her old man had separated. He was living down in Curtis Bay shooting heroin and she was living alone. She would be thirty, and their sister Amy thought they should do something special. She even brought a couple of single guys that she thought might be interested in getting to know his sister, hoping that she would like one of these handsome dudes, because she had shown no inclination to date since her husband got hooked on heroin and moved out.

Roger had often walked her dog, Max, a big German shepherd. Since Amy had the key, getting in before Tammy got home from her waitressing job would be no problem, but the dog barked a lot. It was Roger’s job to keep Max quiet as they all hid downstairs and waited.

By 9:30 they heard Tammy come in upstairs. Max stayed quiet, his ears up like radar dishes, whining, until they heard Tammy shut the refrigerator door in the kitchen. Then Max burst loose like a chow-seeking missile and charged upstairs with a deep rumble in his throat. Roger could not believe that he had not thought to feed Max. He bore the hiss of disappointment from Amy as they waited for Tammy to turn on the TV so they would have some cover sneaking upstairs.

In a minute or two the TV flipped on and they all crept upstairs and burst out into the living room, yelling, “Surprise!”, the three handsome bachelors in front, only to be greeted by the sight of a porn movie on the TV, and across the narrow living room, Tammy, naked, her legs spread, as she smeared peanut butter from a large jar of Jiff on her sacred cleft with a wooden spoon, as Max sat on the floor between her feet licking his lips and whining.

Yes, things got worse.

As Tammy looked up into all of those horrified faces with a big O-face of mortification, Max went to work and people alternately stood and gawked [Uncle Joe], ran for the door [Aunt Lucile] and pointed their finger and laughed [the three dudes]. The only one that kept her composure was Grandma, who elbowed Grandpa in the ribs and led him past Tammy and Max as she covered her face and screamed, and Roger experienced limited success pulling Max away from his dinner.

No wonder her old man was firing heroin.

Add Comment
Sam J.March 20, 2016 1:38 PM UTC

Oh no!
IshmaelMarch 20, 2016 11:12 AM UTC

I remember a similar scene, every time I see a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Ishmael.
Glasgow NedMarch 20, 2016 9:43 AM UTC

So funny!