“And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil.”

- Genesis 3:22 (NIV)

The moment Man became sentient and self-aware He experienced unhappiness.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

The total lack of abrasion along the cheekbones and above the brow ridge suggest to archaeologists that a recently discovered early ancestor spent little time burying his head in his hands.

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

According to the researchers, carbon dating concluded that the fossilized skeleton is that of a Paleolithic man—nicknamed “Felix” by the team of scientists responsible for the find—who died perfectly contented and unencumbered by regret roughly 30,000 years ago.

“It’s truly incredible—Felix unequivocally demonstrates that early humans were still capable of dying completely fulfilled as late as the Upper Paleolithic,” said lead researcher Evgenia Halytsky, who went on to say that scientists had previously believed any such trait had disappeared many millennia earlier. “The vast majority of research points to our species almost never experiencing even a day of serenity for the last million years, so Felix totally upends any of our previous notions about human evolution.”

“To think that only 300 centuries ago, a human being actually died happy,” Halytsky added.

Researchers said that a spectral analysis of the remains indicated wear in Felix’s lower extremities consistent with a long, confident gait. Additionally, forensic odontology tests revealed that the man had never grinded his teeth, stunning scientists who had until now accepted that this behavior had become ubiquitous at roughly the same time humans developed abstract thought and the capacity to project into the future.

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