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‘I Am the Mask Police’
Brad the Amtrak Conductor Gives the Best Mask Monologue: Queermurica March 10, 2021
The Amtrak conductors that take you through the Rockies from Grand Junction to Denver, Colorado, act as tour guides along the way, using the intercom with a grasp of geological knowledge and a theatrical flare.
As we pulled out of Grand Junction Brad topped off his announcement with the best Brovid Jiveteen performance I have heard yet. He timed this, with a pause, letting the mask deniers behind me and across the aisle from me, The Latino Rez Enjun, the Beaner Gangbanger and volunteer porter and paleface retard think that Brad was going to be a soft touch after the Mormon Pricks that laid down the law from Salt Lake City to here…
“Oh, one final thing folks. It is a federal law that due to Covid-19 restrictions, that a face covering of some kind [1] must be worn to prevent aerosol droplets from leaving you and getting to fellow passengers. Your mask is not to protect you, it is to protect others. Their mask is to protect you. The covering must cover the mouth and nose. The sole exception to this is when you are in a room with the door closed, either a bathroom or a sleeper. This is a federal mandate, folks. This is non-negotiable. I am the mask police. I do not like it any more than you do. But I graduated from college. I’m a professional and I have been tasked with being the mask police, so I will perform my job. If you have been vaccinated you still have to wear the mask. [2] If, you have a problem wearing a mask, please, contact a crew member and we will be glad to work with you to arrange alternative transportation! Oh, yes, and don’t think for a minute that your fellow passengers will not turn you in. You know they will—especially if they want your seat in the viewing car!”
Every criminal on the train—including this thought criminal—broke into laughter.
Brad, you fucking prick. Way to play it in style. I had been waiting for one of these feds to paraphrase Struther Martin from Cool Hand Luke and God has answered my prayers!.
Furthermore, Brovid Jiveteen has begun to reorder society along traditional lines. For instance, Reesy, the lady running the dining car makes menu announcements constantly, as us low-rent coach people who lack credit cards starve until Chicongo, as Amtrak takes no cash—I know, Boomer Man, I should have a credit card. But I fast on the train. We proles used to be able to buy our way into the dining car and pay for meals. Not anymore, not even if you have plastic! The retards across the aisle are suffering, listening to Reesy's mouth-watering menu announcements, and asking to pay and they are told that their money—paper or plastic—is not good on the train outside of the café car. The Dining car is closed to us scum. This is an obvious use of Brovid Jiveteen to convince people to pay double for sleeper accommodations, as they have been largely empty while coach is up to 20% of pre-Brovid occupancy.
The runner up to Brad was the conductor from Sacramento to Salt Lake City who said to a cute pale girl who was unmasked, pointing to Reesy, the large saintly hued dining car matron, “Do you want me to have Ressy show you how to wear that mask?”
Notes
-1. Brad actually avoided reading off the five different types of face coverings that are not permitted, including gaiters, bandanas, face shields and specific design features. Later announcements by him and other conductors made it plain that they thought the detailed mask bans were too complex to implement, and no one has been hassled on my 6 trains over what kind of mask they have, only that they wear it.
-2. This can only mean that the vaccine is not regarded by the feds as effective, as also indicated by the fact that they have indemnified drug companies from damages in case there are unknown side effects, one of which is reported to be a lessening of resistance to the dread minus.
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