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The King’s Hand
Notes on the Forever War
© 2013 James LaFond
“We should kill them all. The Middle East should be turned into a crater.”
-lady at diner watching the network news, 10/4/13
I might have said, “We are doing just that”, but had something more important than her opinion on my plate. I am quite content with the fact that my masters have the ability to transform, denude, and even erase areas of the map, and that they are doing so elsewhere. To all of those bleeding heart liberals, pie-in-the-sky zeitgeisters, too-smart-by-half libertarians, and stingy conservatives that think our nation’s constant military adventures are not ‘a force for good’ I have this to say, “You don’t want all of that pointing at you.”
In case the lady at the diner is checking in with her local literary light I thought I might brighten her day.
Fun Facts From Our Craters Past and in Progress
98% of drone fatalities are women, and children, and other innocent bystanders, including EMTs and religious functionaries conducting funerals. I quite agree that indiscriminate slaughter of breeders and medical personnel under the cloak of ‘surgical strikes’ is an ingenious population reduction method. And after all, we don’t want a lot of veiled panhandlers crawling around our nice shiny crater once we get it built.
Iraq, our latest full-size crater, has a population that has recently been blessed with a 600% increase in Leukemia and a doubling of birth defects thanks to our use of depleted uranium sabot rounds.
Vietnam, our perennial crater, where 2 million people were turned into fertilizer, is currently providing me with $2 per pound coffee, so I can stay up all night writing this without putting a dent in my beer money. That is ‘a force for good’ in my book.
Let us not forget the economic benefits of residing in a U.S. Military made crater. From the mid 1970s until the mid 1990s Vietnam did a booming business in scrap metal, shipping off to Japan tens of thousands of tons of scrap steel from U.S. shell casings. In fact, if you are still driving a 1980s Toyota, it is all but certain that the hardware was once made in the U.S.A. and dropped on some rice farmer.
Iraq currently has ‘the most genetically compromised population on earth’, being more eradiated than the Chernobyl soccer team, or even the fictional Simpsons.
Over half of Iraqi children have one living parent or less.
Libya, the latest country to host a U.S. Military air show, now enjoys the most lucrative market for torturers on earth, with 8,000 political prisoners currently requiring professional attention, as well as the lowest prices on unregistered firearms in the region.
The fourth largest city in Jordan [which is unfortunately not currently on our craterization schedule], is the Za ‘Atari Refugee Camp, with 120,000 happy customers attending the gala festivities. These slackers do not want to assist our Islamist terrorist allies in the overthrow of their president, who currently administers our future crater. Why the Brits and the Frogs decided to name the place Syria when they created it is beyond me. But, my fellow diner patrons will surely rest in peace knowing that it will one day be our crater.
On the downside, we don’t seem to be nearly as good as Siberian lava flows or super volcanoes at mass exterminations. While the Permian Extinction wiped out 90% of all life, and the Toba Super Eruption did away with at least 95% of human genetic diversity, we have only managed to kill about 40% of the parents in Iraq. If we set Dennis Redman loose over there he could probably make up the difference in a few years attending to all of the widows and older daughters.
Not to worry, the Pentagon is working on underwater ‘drone carriers’. Those dolphins better not piss us off.
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