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Attack Of The Last Virgin
The Troubled Plight of a Bus Prophet: A Tame Negro Tale from Pre-Purge Baltimore
© 2012 James LaFond

I have enjoyed the sermons of a number of little known prophets who hijack Harm City buses as temporary churches. It has been years though since I have been privy to any sermons by such. I was beginning to worry that they were perhaps extinct. Bus prophets in Harm City include: da Playa from da Himalaya on the #10 line, a dead ringer for the late James Brown the Godfather of Soul; Dwayne who once gave the infamous sermon "Paul Against the Koreans" on the #22 line; and Twitch Face, who rants on the #4 line about the evils of women, matrimony and seagulls, who are apparently reincarnated divorce lawyers.

This morning, Wednesday February 15th at 8:17 AM I discovered another religious treasure for the ages, and I bring him to you, with my best play-by-play, from the four pages of tear-soaked notes [Yes, I was moved to tears as I took these notes, much as the Italian reporters who were once moved to tears by the forgiveness of the Pope when he confronted his shooter.] I took this morning as he preached on the #55 line to Towson.

Drum roll please. Harm City readers, I give you Deliverance Dude!

At Philadelphia and Golden Ring the bus driver pulled over late for this tall light-skinned man who he thought had been signaling for the #35. They had a one-sided argument about this, and then Deliverance Dude stalked loudly to the back of the bus, and then began apologizing to everyone for his outburst, claiming that it had all been brought on by the Godless Valentine"s Day holiday and his weakness for whiskey, women and weed. He then proceeded to give a dreary sermon on Leviticus which began to elicit moans from the gathered, Godless multitude.

A white dope fiend behind me snarled, "Come on dude, it's only seven-thirty—let's kill him."

A large woman chirped, "Oh, he's makin' a fool out of his self up in here. He probably just didn't get any for Valentine's Day!"

Sensing he was losing his congregation, our hero—mine at least—rose to the challenge and swept us off of our collective feet with the following eloquence. People were so entertained they even hushed the high school students that boarded, making sure that the faithful would not miss a single line. They were quite pious about this in fact. When one college student got on and questioned a young lady in front of me about the monologue she answered, "Just sit down and listen. We had to, so now you have to."

I wonder if that is how all religious denominations begin? In any case a star was born.

 

The Sermon on the 55 Line

1 "You all might laugh at me because you are right—it got me, that man-made holiday. The night turned against me just as you could expect from a man-made holiday.

2 Yeah, I had my shot, smoked my smoke, sinned my sin, talked my trash.

3 I don't listen to rap or R & B.

4 That's just negativity.

5 Rap is just about doing drugs, dealing drugs and having sex. Now when I drink and smoke I'm singing that song, saying that shit, sinning that sin—up on the block dancing like the rest.

6 Don't let these work clothes fool you—I had to leave work today because I couldn't maintain after what happened last night.

7 I got thousands of dollars of clothes in the closet, could wear a fresh outfit every night!

8 And I might get off this bus, smoke my blunt on the corner, get up in my friend's house and get drunk up in there.

9 But He forgives!

10 All you have to do is repent and Deliverance is yours!

11 It's not a today thing, a me thing, or a day-to-day thing, but an everything thing.

12 You promise yourself that all of this, everybody around you, will be gone like this [snaps fingers] and then It's an eternity thing!

13 It only took me three hours to achieve damnation but I can have salvation with a word. I just need to repent. Sure, I'll backslide, but never on Valentine's Day again. I learned my lesson!

14 Yeah, I had me a date. What could go wrong?

15 Had a fuckin' half a hour of smokin' weed and she was all over me!

16 She was a virgin!

17 How the fuck did that happen!

18 In Baltimore, a virgin?

19 Are you kidding me!

20 She from Pakistan, not even from here."

21 "How the fuck did I end up in this position?

22 Virgin clinger—call nine-one-one yo!

23 Oh my fuckin' God!

24 It was a sign from Him.

25 Then she go and get in a car wreck over it—virgin clinger man!"

 

Postscript

I do apologize for not getting the rest of the sermon, but my stop was coming up. I suppose I committed a journalist's worst sin. But, having taken faith in my new shepherd, I know now that I can attain deliverance. I just need to repent to the editor above. We need to get this guy onto public access TV.

I promise if I see him again I'll get an interview. In the meantime be on the lookout for those Pakistani virgin clingers. They are out there, on the road, and damnation is only a goodtime away.

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