“Nerd question: if you could live in any ancient culture and be a warrior which culture would you choose? Personally I would want to be a horse archer warrior Scythian. Also, would you be willing to do another podcast?”
-White Monkey
…
Sure man, I will do one when I get a computer that can do some kind of conference call. Should be August 2025.
A nerd question deserves a nerd answer!
To me it is about freedom, freedom being the latitude to dominate others. Liberty is to do what you like. Freedom is about doing what you like to others. For this reason, the ultimate worst fate of our fictional, time-traveling, world-scudding freedom fighter would be to become a husband. A husband is housebound, his women and children and elders held hostage by the money men and bosses while he is away. The ultimate doom expression of this was to be a coal miner in Pennsylvania or West Virginia or East Kentucky, down in a hole, digging for script that could only be redeemed at the company store, while the Coal and Iron Police were beating your sons and raping your wives and daughters. Such slavery, being of the classic American type, only really works when one has been bound to a house by love for your wife and sons. Even the Danes and Sikels, represented by Odysseus in Homer, that invaded Egypt, where enslaved like this, caught migrating with their women and children and settled in slave cities in the Egyptian interior by Ramses II.
In this light I will consider some warrior paths I should have liked, out of hand, and then rate them accordingly:
-Individual autonomy 1 to 5
-Positive ethnic identity 1 to 5
-Access to slave girls! 1 to 10
-Capacity to Win! 1 to 10
Myrmidons, Men of Achilles, 1200 B.C.
These men never lost a battle and got home from Troy while most of the fleet was scattered and many such as the men of Ajax and Odysseus never made it home, and Agamemnon came home to a traitor wife to be murdered. Note that over half of the army that assailed Troy ended up marking 1s on their afterlife score sheet. The men of Achilles, led home by NeoPtolemus, his avenging son, are the models for successful warrior hood.
-Individual autonomy 2 of 5, you did have the option of pissing off Achilles and maybe not being killed.
-Positive ethnic identity 5 to 5, yes, everyone else is less
-Access to slave girls! 6 of 10, we get first pick, but the prettiest girls get sent up the chain of command. Boss, can I keep one with good front teeth at least?
-Capacity to Win! 10 of 10
23 of 30, and then the boss gets killed and our shadow casts not so dark or far as it did.
Scythians/Sarmations/Getae, 700 B.C.
-Individual autonomy 2 of 5, as many of you were sold by your lords and kings as slave soldiers
-Positive ethnic identity 5 of 5, you are the best
-Access to slave girls! 10 in 10 blonds, red heads and ligurian snake witches in the west to Persian, Indian and Chinese bitches to the east.
-Capacity to Win! 8 of 10, you couldn’t beat every army, but, nobody could catch you. It was like being an outlaw biker in a horse and buggy world, until the Huns bred on all of those broad backed Siberian babes and generated a new race of fat headed horsemen. It was a good run.
25 of 30.
Agrianes, 350 thru 200 B.C.
-Individual autonomy 1 of 5, you are part of a precise killing machine.
-Positive ethnic identity 4 of 5, we are scum and people hate us because they fear us
-Access to slave girls! 5 of 10, our necessary famous mobility is facilitated by leaving the girls behind breeding a warrior for the next king.
-Capacity to Win! 10 of 10, with the most points scored for the most feared undefeated team.
20 of 30
Vikings, A.D. 750 to 1066
-Individual autonomy 3 of 5, depending on your combat ability.
-Positive ethnic identity 5 of 5, the rest of humanity are subhumans!
-Access to slave girls! 10 of 10, Buxom German bitches, crazy eyed Irish lasses, the land o lakes butter babe on her knees, Muslim dancing girls and the Queen of Constantinople while her cucked husband is paying you in gold…
-Capacity to Win! 6 of 10
24 of 30, until the King of Norway becomes a Christian and binds you to a house and a bossy wife…
Pirates, Great Age Of, A.D. 1680 thru 1730
-Individual autonomy 3 of 5, had a vote but so did the stupidest man in the crew
-Positive ethnic identity 2 of 5, they let blacks in, but at least they have to speak English…
-Access to slave girls! 2 of 10, the captains were psychos, homos and puritan Christians! No!
-Capacity to Win! 4 of 10, bro, the Royal Navy had it out for your ass!
11 out of 30 while free and ending your life at the end of the rope. No wonder the state turned us so easily into volunteer slaves singing of liberty and freedom by 1804.
So, for an objective ranking.
Overall, the highly disciplined ability to win under increasingly complex situations impedes the free selection of women, both in quality and variety. The happier men are beatable but more mobile. When comparing the three types of ship warriors, one can see that the gun was placed a great leash upon the necks of the freest spirits of war, the sea rovers [SR]. Even the lone type of foot warrior in this selection, the Agriane, was far better off than a pirate. All of these types were equally feared in their age, so all enjoyed seeing other men piss themselves in fear upon their approach.
#1 Scythians: 25
#2 Vikings: 24 [SR]
#3 Myrmidons: 23 [SR]
#4 Agrianes: 20 (Like ancient Gurkas or French Foreign Legion troops)
#5 Pirates: 11[SR]
