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‘Got Kung Fu Bitches’
Black Dynamite with Michael Jai White
© 2014 James LaFond
MAR/2/14
This spoof/tribute to 1970s black action hero movies such as Dolomite is one of the funniest things you will see on the small screen. Michael Jai White is afro-friendly enough to pass for Rudy Ray Moore, and reprises the classic kung fu pimp role. The fit is much better with White in the kung fu department. He does not, however, have Moore’s poetic gifts. So, he is given a sidekick ‘Bull Horn’ who speaks in rhymes. Anthropologically it is a look at the roots of rap and hip hop.
‘Sucka’s Be Warned’
Black Dynamite is even called ‘Black Dynamite’ by his mother when he is twelve. He is a Vietnam vet and former CIA operative. One of the best scenes is when Black Dynamite reflects on a Chinese boy who somehow died in a massacre in Vietnam. Black Dynamite will never forget, despite his service to his country, that the CIA ‘left my black-ass fo dead.’
Not only is Black Dynamite a bad man, he is a smooth operator with the ladies, using such classic lines as, ‘Bitch, nah’, ‘Who da hell is interuptin’ ma kung fu’, and my favorite, ‘You can hit the sheets or hit the streets’.
Things are more important than all that though, for a drug epidemic ‘of epic proportions' is hitting the streets. This is tied in with the Anaconda Malt Liquor marketing campaign. Black Dynamite’s kid brother is killed by Italian mobsters. When it comes to vengeance, his being ‘so righteous’ means that there is really nothing that can stand in his way. The best part about being Black Dynamite is that everyone, even Patricia Nixon, knows your name.
I was in the mood for a little spoofy fun, and had opened a can of cheap beer. Then I began to laugh out loud and reached for a microbrew. Not wanting to take my eyes off of Bullhorn’s dialogue, “Meana den two fat muthafucas wrestlin’ ova poke chops en greens’, I reached for a can without looking. When I cracked it open I noticed it was an orange soda that a lady friend had left behind. I was then stricken with an epiphany, checked my freezer, noticed I had two shots of Ron Rico rum left, and mixed up a ghetto cocktail. I was now in the zone, taking notes, and laughing out loud. I highly recommend viewing Black Dynamite while drinking
Can You Dig It
Noting that, ‘The Man has our backs to the wall’ Black Dynamite crusades against drugs and ‘dick-shrinkin’ malt liqa’ with a vengeance, even taking it to his fellow pimps. Possibly the best part of Black Dynamite was the ‘Pimp Convention’ scene with overdressed men leaning sage-like on their pimp canes. [I have a pimp cane—given to me by a female at the karate school where I coach. And I do give pimp-cane combat lessons, if you are old school enough to dig it!]
The pimps have names like Kotex, Mo Bitches, and Chocolate Giddyup. Only the pimps, and Patricia Nixon, it seems have the morale standing to backtalk Black Dynamite and get away with it. The pimp out-takes during the credits are hilarious. In the Pimp convention scene we are treated to wisdom such as:
‘Pimpin’ been around since da world been turnin.’
‘Spendin’ more bail money then I’m gettin’ tail money.’
‘You can’t just stick it to The Man.’
The Waffle House scene is perhaps the best done scene of them all, with pimps and black power commandos discussing ancient Greek legends. Over all the racial slurs were refreshingly varied, with Patricia Nixon taking the cake with her characterization of Black Dynamite as a ‘moon cricket’.
The party of black heroes pledges to save the penises of black men from being shrunken by the federal Anaconda Malt Liquor conspiracy, and take a harrowing journey to the Fiendish Doctor Wu’s kung fu island. They are led by none other than Black Dynamite, who declares, ‘This time these crackas have gone too far.’
I, of course, liked the Fiendish Doctor Wu, who turned out not to be the apex villain. That honor went to ‘Tricky Dick’, or as Black Dynamite also addressed President Richard Nixon, ‘You diabolical dick-shrinking muthafuca!’
James McManus makes an excellent kung fu Richard Nixon, who is frustrated by the kung fu ghost of Abe Lincoln! I am hopeful that Black Dynamite’s closing boast to ‘lay the hamma down on any clown’ will result in a sequel or TV show. This was truly hilarious, especially if you grew up in the 1970s.
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