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Flip Gotz Fans en Planz: Aspirations of a Flip Phone: 6/17/2022, Denver, PA
© 2022 James LaFond
NOV/22/22
[Flip’s actual comments, now that I have discovered that he is possessed by the spirit of Juju Quartermaine, are in bracketts.]
Dammit, James. You should have said something. I could have taken you to a Verizon store fifteen minutes away and bought you a new flip phone.”
-Sean, by text, 6/16/2022
[Juz like dat, a perfectly good, dough long in da tooth, camoonicador get a lille ole en Da Man ready ta sell ole Flip down da river—trade ma ass in fo some young buck?]
Before the next text is read, I would like to point out that those fine ladies at The Bar in Portland, had, not knowing that Flip was an actual sentient being, thinking him to be some soulless smart phone, said such hurtful things while trying to see Flip’s quaintly old school postage stamp sized grandchild photo gallery as:
“Flip sucks! I hate Flip! Flip can’t see for shit!”
[Alright, ya’all gurls be fine enough en Flip ‘ill sure ‘nough take aride in you bra, Lootenant Ugoora...but check diz out…]
“Absolutely love Flip the Hero Phone! Been laughing about it since reading last night. I hope I get to see you on Saturday. I have to work and then have dinner plans with my soccer mom friend from Balti visiting for her sons soccer tournament. You’re welcome to spend the night tomorrow and we can drink rum like pirates.”
-Cutie Homesteaders, 6/17/2022, 11:18 AM
[Let me dee-cipher dat. Well, she cute, idz in da name even. En in case ya don’ know, she white! En, don’ ya know, dat the very first thing when she wakes up firz ting in da moanin’ is Flip! Not only do diz fine white woman—blonde on tap a dat—invite flip ova fo da night, but gonna get da drink on too. Dis goes ta proove the mystique of Flip fo all you Doubting Tories out dare. You don’ tink she actually wants dat eye-patch cracka what can’t keep ‘iz one eye off a her even while her Honey Cracka man tryin’ not ta take offense en loogin’ bag at the stove like it did sometin’ wrong? Oh, no. It is clear, crackers and jackers, Flip has got the mystique. It’s called, ‘Old School.’]
Sorry, serious readers, for entertaining my flip phone’s flights of fancy. But, when I was in that strip club in Jersey and Cutie was sending me a text hoping that I’d get a big ass lap dance, Juju Quartermaine materialized in the flesh, a three foot African midget dancing in the aisle with a six foot Hindoo criminal with a hand hookah casting wisps of smoke about like dancing devils. I think that perhaps Juju affected a possession of Flip at this time, an act which I opened myself up to by unwisely naming Flip and giving him an identity.
Also:
“Flip and Poppy. Good combo.”
-Land O’ Lakes Butter Babe, 6/17/2022
[See, like a Hennessey commercial!]
So, Flip has a plan, based on The Six Million Dollar Man TV series of my childhood. Flip has suggested that he be upgraded, made stronger, better, faster than he was before. Also, to his credit, once his dark soul has been cast into a more worthy vessel, he still wants to be black. He has also suggested larger keys, so that I don’t keep mixing the texts to the two babes who show up next to each other on his contact directory…
Thank you all for putting up with Flip. He makes me feel like Captain James T. Kirk of the United Federation Ship Enterprise, marooned on some weird planet that somehow went sideways in ways that could have only been predicted by a science-fiction writer.
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