Guido and Rico entertained Nero the Pict and I over beers for a few hours last night, recalling enough urban insanity and negrology to fill a zoological treatise of immense size. Below I attempt to recall only stories they told concerning the system for scourging souls for Satan presided over by the Lizard Kings of Modernity in its acridly beating heart.

Guido: New York was so fucked up. I’m glad you turned out somewhat normal. It wrecked me.

Rico: If you didn’t have a gang to run with you were fucked! I had my cousins and other Porto Ricans.

Guido: The Guidos hated me because I was only half Italian, half of my fights was with those people, my father’s fucking retarded people.

Rico: But we all had the same fucking enemy, those fuckers that the government bussed in to every school, even the schools like we went to where we had to pass tests to get in and they didn’t!

Guido: The fuckers who would rape you in the bathroom come screaming in packs and sweep down on any lone person—like me and the Chinese—and then when you fought back the Chaldean [0] teachers come down on you.

Rico: Miraculously, as soon as a handful of blacks get bussed into the school, there is all of this violence and crime.

Guido: It’s the same now—I’m done—I gotta rope for these motherfuckers if they come out here after me.

Rico: Hey, how long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?

Guido: I don’t know—who cares?

Rico: Nine months! Now you care!

Guido: Yeah, and thank God for abortion—if it wasn’t for Roe versus Wade we’d be overrun, like Zulu Dawn.

Rico: And then there’s the Domicans—those motherfuckers, what pieces of shit. The only kind of Spanish person I can deal with is Cubans—somewhat human. The fucking fat head Mexicans, get outta here!

Guido: You know, when I worked in that hospital in Flushing, every Mexican that came in there drunk, with his post fight injury or from whatever dumb shit he did, pissed himself—everyone without fail! How many times have I been drunk and never pissed myself!

Rico: No shit!

Guido: Thank God none of that! There was this one Fat Head who pretends to be asleep on the gurney and waits for me to leave the room. Then he gets up and pisses on the floor at my work station. I comeback and this motherfucker is pissing on the floor—which does make him the only Fat Head who never pissed his pants in the hospital. But I gotchyou wit da Domicans. Dats what dem two mystery meat fucks who attacked me in Reading a few years back were—couldn’t throw hands for shit, dropped em both with jabs...and they had some bogus gang handle back in New York.

Rico: DDP, Domicans Don’t Play, fucking retards. We had those in our school. The Guidos were tough—give em that. The whites were just fucked. The first thing the blacks did when they bussed in was throw this white kid down the stairs and almost kill him. There was so much blood they had to rope off the stairs. Nobody saw nothin’. So, I see a Spanish dude and these fucking gorillas are walking the halls and I’m like, “Hey, what’s up?” and he’s like, “Fuck you, I’m Dominican.” So its like that right? Well, a few weeks later this guy he’s headed out with his boys to take care of some beef they got with the blacks and he asks me to help out, and I’m like, “No, man, I ain’t Dominican, have fun with all those ոiggers!” Right, fuck him!

Guido: Dude, it would have been great to have somebody to stand shoulder to shoulder with against all those ոiggers. There was always at least three on you, and even when these five came after me during the black-out one has a knife. It was the same in school and the Chaldean teachers always seemed to take their side, like fuckin’ Karen owns a pitbull and its harmless, right.

Rico: A course those Chew [1] motherfuckers had their own schools for their kids and had their own security thing.

Guido: Yeah and at least I wasn’t no Chino.

Rico: That’s right. We always called Asians Chino for Chinese, whether they were Korean or whatever.

Guido: The Chinese, I got along with them, they were at the bottom of the food chain and didn’t mess with nobody. But they weren’t any help either against the Black Beasts, they called em.

Rico: Bro, being Chinese in New York, that’s like being a mouse at a cat convention! Talk about fucked!

Guido: What about that school—they had the big brain school for all the math kids—which, to be frank, meant it was nothing but Chinese in there.”

Rico: That’s right! And the school across the street was for the dummies—which means its full of blacks! So school lets out, and these nice neat little Chines kids start to leave and its on, fucking rolling chimpout and army of ոiggers just swooping down on all these poor Chinese kids who are actually carrying books! Like Custer’s last stand times ten! This shit was like every day, sometimes we’d just go and watch—and the black bitches what dey’d do to the Chinese girls—oh no!

Guido: Raaaah, Queen Kong, raaaah!

Rico: These fuckers have been like that since Jesus left Chicago. You know it man, and you know it makes sense that the Chews [1] brought all these fuckers in. They go to their schools protected by their security, them with their thing. But we can’t have our thing. We gotta share everything with—

Guido: Home Erectus, high time preference crawling up out of the Old Stone Age ta get your ass!

Rico: ...and us, we have to be like the warriors and pack up and just fight for survival—not like you gonna learn shit around these animals.

Guido: We had this one teacher who was cool, a Vietnam Vet. I’m sitting near the back of the class and these two home boys are out patrolling the halls, looking for whites and Chinese to beat up—I think he was telling us about how the U.S. supplied the Soviet Union with its grain, and I’m like, “What? But they’re the bad guys. Why would we do that if we’re the good guys?”

Rico: Let me guess, there was a black chick in the class and these animals were so thirsty for that ass that they had to try and get some of it during class!

Guido: Know your enemy! They’re chatting up this girl in the back of the class and the teacher tells them to move on and the big one, fuckin’ gorilla in training, threatens the teacher and he goes by me to get them to leave and the big one whips the teacher across the face with a jacket he has in his hand and then hits him with hook. The teacher eats it, then kicks the kid in the gut and charges him with a karate chop while doing some battle cry and...

Rico:… of course, anytime a creature with no soul has shit go against him he’s goin’ to run right.

Guido: And how much of a bitch is the white man to run from these cowardly fuckers for sixty years and then set the fucking PIGz on any man who defends himself against these savages?

Rico: Well, the Chews run the show and that’s what they want.

Guido: They ran it back in school too. Half the teachers were Chaldeans. This one motherfucker, big fаggot, he was standing in front of class one day like he was high, just standing up there in a daze. I had not finished my paper on time and I took it up to him and said, “Mister [redacted 2], I didn’t finish my paper. And he turns around, carresses my chin real disgusting like, and says, “That’s okay,” and I put my dukes up and jumped back and said, “What’s da matter with you, you gay or some shit? Keep your hands off me!”

He did not say anything back, just went off back in his daze, and when I went back to my seat I saw that the whole class was like stunned, horrified at this shit, mouths and eyes wide open.

Rico: Oh, he was high. I came up later than you did, I think I was four years behind you. By that time everybody was high and drunk in school, teachers too. And we had this one teacher hitting the bottle in class, openly, we’d see him sitting there at his desk drinking.

Nero the Pict: No wonder. Imagine him dealing with all that? Damn, Baltimore was bad. But listening to you guys talk about New York makes me feel lucky.

Guido: Don’t even get me started on New York!

Nero: Started?

Rico: Yeah, like those big Irish cops that fucked with us and checked your bus tickets!

Guido: Oh those shanty Irish mick motherfuckers!

And the night war on in like wise…

Notes

-0. Ancient Chaldean astronomers from Hither Asia who are known by names which, if printed here, might cause great problems for my web master.

-1. slang for Chaldean

-2. This guy can remember the names of all of his school teachers from some 30 and more years ago. It makes sense to take super smart working class people like this and lock them in prisons with animals so that it keeps them from excelling in school work while they defend themselves like apes, reserving higher economic rungs for the sons of the elite.