Ah, yes, to the meat of the story.

Meat, don’t forget the meat.

Remember Fenri and his hints to One Eye?

Be a good human and pay attention to the subtext.

First, there was the time that you thought I had messed up, being a dumb young dog, when I chased that antelope out into the desert. Dude, that was just a ruse to throw off the vampires—no shit—and since I knew you wouldn’t believe in vampires, and since the Pink Bitch hadn’t visited me yet to make this opportunity, I had to suffer your indignities even as I saved you from those blood-sucking freaks. Most of you apes associate vampires with bats, but that’s bull shit. They are a canine thing and you have somehow misunderstood the vampire werewolf relationship. A werewolf is a god hero dog like me who fights off the vampires that would suck your blood while you slept.

Why do you think I look so worried when I come out of the bedroom into the kitchen while you and Silverback are trying to see who passes out from drinking beer and rum first? Because if you fall asleep in another room I can’t protect you from vampires! They don’t smell, dude so I wouldn’t know until I found you in the morning. So, I ran that antelope out into the desert one way, then circled all the way around behind you, drove off those coyotes who were working for the vampires as spotters and marking your truck tires, ran all the way back around to the direction I left, and trotted back in.

And you thought I was just young, dumb and full of cum. No, I saved your ass and not for the last time, ham slice.

Eggs are not meat. Okay. The ham was great, the eggs were okay and get the fuck away from me with those fried dirt turds—but all that ended up in my bowl yesterday morning was eggs.

Just saying.

Now, remember the porno girl you were banging, the one that got boned in front of other apes for her chew toys, with the nice waxed ass. To be modest, there was something she wanted you to do to her which you did not, thinking she’d keep coming back for more just because you’re part Dick-Dragger. Well, I used my nose to investigate this for you and could tell by her smell that she was pouting so much that she wouldn’t be coming back and I didn’t want you to lose her—I mean this was all about you. I find human bitches to be not to my taste. But I took one for the team. Thanks to your loud snoring you never heard the action going down. But when she’d fall asleep on her side, curled up against your big barrel of an ape chest, I was hitting it master, just like she wanted. And so that she’d think it was you throwing down range while you two were asleep, I used my forepaw instead of what that veterinarian left me with when you let her cut my fucking balls off!

What exactly did I ever do to deserve that? I’m over that. It’s for the best. If I could impregnate bitches I wouldn’t be able to walk around the corner or even drive across town in the shotgun seat without seeing a bunch of mutt clones barking, “Daddy, daddy!”

So there you have it. I kept the porn star coming back for months, and well, I eventually sprained my paw man—she’s a freak! That’s right, you knew that already.

Okay, there was the one time—one of many—that you were sick of ape bitches and after you drove off the logging site with that load of timber, instead of getting it to the depot you stopped at the bar and got hammered, I mean you drank the other big apes into submission. I, your faithful wing-hound, only drank beer and kept an eye out for stickup artists and such. Somehow, as we were driving back from The Dalles along the Columbia River, drunk as shit, you see these two teenagers hitchhiking, and you’re feeling all bad for them because its cold and raining and you pull over to give them a lift, and squashed their asses, I mean, baboomp, right over them.

You were overcome with guilt and picked up your phone to call the men in blue to take you to the ape pound so I bit your hand and the phone went clattering. Then you open the door to go “render aid” and pass out right there in the driver’s seat. So Mucker Dog to the rescue. I jumped over your big ass, out the door, skidded with my face on the pavement, ran around, grabbed the flat ape bitch and dragged her down to the river and pushed her in. I then ran back, dragged the flat ape twerp, across the street, down over the bank, through the woods, across the muddy flat, and finally sent him down stream. I mean, it was the general direction of their journey thus far…

I scrambled in to your truck, bit your ass on the ear, barked and you woke up enough to finish delivering the load. Hell, you probably thought you just had a bad dream.

Okay, remember the big titty bitch? I mean the one with hangers that almost hit the floor?

Yeah, that one. Well, you thought you’d hit the jack pot. Dude you were killin’ it. I do appreciate you letting me watch your mating activities as it has aided me immeasurably with my scientific research. Well, I was suspicious, what with her getting you so drunk and just insisting on you pounding her a second time. So I just skulked down and about, made myself unobtrusive, not standing their panting like some greedy German shepherd with an ape fetish. Yeah, you thought you were killin’ it but it was killin’ you. The second time you climbed that bleach blonde mountain and rolled off you passed right out.

And what did that bitch do?

She slides out of bed—see, I’m under the bed now, guarding your pants—and don’t you know that this bitch was so greedy she leaves her panties and socks, slips on her ho-jeans and before she even racks up those titties, she’s bent over goin’ through your wallet—that’s right bro, it was payday!

This is how I know them titties hang almost to the ground, because one of those fleshy fruits dangled before my dark, moist snout just as she opened your wallet and started pulling out those green notes and there I went—to work, argggh! I left four holes in that apple-sized nipple and that bitch didn’t even grab her titty holsters as she dropped your wallet and ran for the door with Mucker Dog on her ass!

Well, now that we are on the subject of giant giggle titties, we might as well dwell on another subject your undisciplined ass cannot resist! Oh yeah. How ‘bout that ape-bitch with the pink hair, purple eye lashes, clown tattoos and the giant jelly ass!

Sure you remember that one. I made sure I wasn’t under the bed for that rock show or I might have been crushed. I waited calmly out in the kitchen for you two apes to come out and have your after-love burger and fries so I could get some. I thought that particular tryst was quite competitive, like two large animals wrestling for domination.

Of course you one, you’re the Master! Then I knew that that wicked woman had outsmarted you, and it was even worse than with the big titty bitch. This one wanted your food!

As soon as I heard you snoring here she came, a creepin’ like some big, bald white cat looking to steal my liver snap. Around the corner she comes, opens the fridge, looks at me and says, “Ah, aren’t you a good boy,” and then scoops your burger and fries and her burger and fries and starts wolfing that stuff down. Noting the pink hair, for a minute I was struck with awe, that may be she was the Pink Bitch in disguise, who had seduced you to have an evening with me, but the snuffling and snorting when she ate and the way she sucked the grease off the fries and then sucked rather than licked her fingers was not nearly canine enough.

You know, though, I was not absolutely sure that she was not the goddess of bitch dogs and savior of slave dogs from cruel and negligent masters. However, she was finishing off her meal, without throwing single fry to me, and unwrapping your meal, so I snarled, “Not today, ape!” and charged.

Her big ass flung around and caught me mid-leap, knocking me into the cabinet under the sink. But I was good for the struggle, that was your burger after all, so I bared fang and snarled and that ape bitch broke and ran, dropping your burger and fries, pulling a big splinter off the doorframe with her ass as she ran past, and crying like a giant baby as she gathered up her clothes and didn’t even bother getting dressed, but picked up her pink book bag and bolted out the front door, leaving it wide open.

I walked majestically to the front door like Fenri his own self and snarled at the brown apes across the way so that they’d know not to trespass as you slept. This was unnecessary however, for those negroes were cheering you on as her giant white ass giggled into her smart car, which damned near tipped over when she fell in, and your inebriated negro neighbors were pumping their fists in the air and chanting your Dick-Dragger name, “Sasquatch Sasquatch!”

Now, I tried to put your burger and fries back in the big white cold cave but couldn’t get the danged thing open, bloodied my teeth in fact. Worried as you are about your standards of housekeeping I thought it only right that I clean up the mess with the only real tool I have for domestic chores—these gleaming fangs what leads to the meat-oven of my stomach!

And, to the real big favor I did you, when I saw you were going long term with the nice neurotic ape-bitch who comes sniffing around every month like a cat in heat, you know, the short petite one, the “sit and spin” you call her when joking about her to your brown friends. Well, her cat-eyed self was obsessed with your big ass, as well she should be, you being the biggest Dick-Dragger on the block.

Little by little she started sneaking her lady things into your lair, trying to make it a cozy den, bringing her smelly stuff that irritated my nostrils what she thinks will make her irresistible to you. That is mind boggling, that she wouldn’t just get a couple of grilled burgers and smear them between her legs to attract you. In any case, it was not a fit.

Once she moved in she would have stolen your soul. What’s more despite her sit and spin capabilities, she would have eventually started to withhold that pussy from you, trying to enslave you, to bend you to her fiendish will. And then true to Fenris’ prophecy, one day she’d brig that little yipping lap dog of hers, the one designed by Asians to be cute to Caucasians? I could smell that little fаggot dog on her. If I thought she was bringing some fine bitch dog I’d a been sucked in along with you most like. But, thanks to her not respecting Mucker Dog as a household decision maker, she sought to replace me with that designer fаggot.

So, that’s why, when you were planning your trip to Reno with her, that’s why I shit in her girly pearly shoe. And let me tell you, I had been saving that shit up. I waited for three days before I cut loose on that scheming witch!

Really—because I know you liked the nasty little thing with her straight black fur and weird face paint—I did that half expecting you to take her side and kick me down to the curb. I stood for it like a dog too, looked right up at you and thought, “Do it.” But you didn’t. That’s when I knew that I had been right to make all of those previous sacrifices for you, that you were the Master for me. Watching that bitch ape limp to her fancy sports car in one shoe, holding the other one like it was a dead cat, while you scratched me behind the ear and laughed my praise, that was the proudest moment of my life.