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‘Consumerist and Hyper-Protective’
The White Wednesday Contact Sports Cure for Liberalism
© 2015 James LaFond
I'm a liberal professor, and my liberal students terrify me, by Edward Schlosser on June 3, 2015
I heard some buzz about this article before. Now Adam has sent me the link. Okay, the liberal professor is surprised that liberalism has become ‘consumerist and hyper-protective’?
So, friends, readers, cun…
You have often asked me for answers to the world’s woes. Now I am ready to give one—41 to be exact.
How are we to fix the problem of liberal professors being afraid of their ultra-liberal, orthodox-materialistic students?
I have an easy multicultural solution, for which we need 10 Samoan rugby players, 10 Apache alcoholics, 10 Zulus stick-fighters, and 10 Irish traveller bare-knuckle fighters.
We will visit this liberal professor’s liberal school, and I shall round up the professors while the 40 hard cases round up the student body. To satisfy the female teachers and students, we will team them up with the Zulus and Samoans, who will play against the male staff and student body, headed by the Apache and Irish.
When I walk the two senior teachers out onto the football field, one male and one female, and decapitate them with my bowie knife, it is game on!
If you have to reread that, you are dead. Get out of my fantasy, please.
At that instant the Zulus and Samoans will make a mad scramble for female student heads, rip them off, [look girls, if you’re not hot and didn’t try out for the cheerleader squad, sorry] and attempt to make one sit flush on the neck stump of the female teacher after they hang her carcass from the uprights.
At the very same War-blessed time, the Apaches and travellers, already thoroughly drunk—but the Apache’s brought knives, Shaka and Palamalu!—will begin cutting off male heads and handing them off to the Irish to fit on the head of the decapitated male teacher that they must hang from the opposite goal post.
In the mean time, both teams may obstruct the other's efforts in any way, which efforts will be further obstructed by the rest of the staff fleeing from me as I chop their feet off!
End of problem.
Next institution of higher learning, please.
For the complete unabridged rules of Speed Skull send your sister—or mother if she is still limber—to 1234 White Avenue, Harm City, Peoples Republic of Maryland, U.S. Gay.
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