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War Heroes of Planet Obadrone
The Return of Your Fiendly Neighborhood Extraterrestrial Anthropologist
© 2013 James LaFond
Charles has been unable to remove the centuries of corrosion from my orbital egress pod, so it seems I’m stuck—in a fast wearing out little ape’s body at that! Ever since I failed my Galactic Civil Service exam, and was sterilized and launched down the spiral arm of the galaxy that you earthlings have so hideously misnamed after a dairy-based confection, to work out my 10,000 year sentence on this stingy Extinction Event Grant, I have entertained myself at the ends of my various terrestrial lives by observing your dreadful propensity for mutual extermination contests.
Why, if it would not be an intergalactic war crime, I would suggest to the High Council at Regal that about a million of you violent little felons be packed into the largest asteroid in the system and launched at Andromeda! I think it is a smashing idea really, no doubt influenced by my many thousands of years’ education at your collective blood-soaked knee. However, as much as I despise the Andromedeans I would not risk being drummed out of the Galactic Zoological Association after your inevitable war crimes were brought to light. Really, one more misstep and I’ll be recording solar flare temperatures from Mercury.
In fact—and I do not mean to crush your little egos—your existence is even being questioned by my superiors. Little apes running around stabbing each other with inventively fabricated implements for eons they believed. But when I sent my last report on that World War Two event, some rivals who have long been jealous of my vacation like exile on this quaint little planet, accused me of writing fiction! I’m almost afraid to send my latest report concerning your flying robots. In fact I’ve chickened out already, and am instead circulating it among you, making another call for unlikely mutual simian sanity through this hairy little malfunctioning LaFond organism I’ve been stuck in for the past fifty years—good Galaxy the last three digits of the right claw do not even extend all the way to the keyboard! I’m going to demand a refund on this one…
Since this sack of bones is becoming increasingly difficult to navigate in, and Charles is still refusing to purchase me one of those automobiles—it’s old technology really—I was recently scouring online newspapers for news of some heroic bloodbath in the Hindu Kush. Your wars used to be so brutally fun to read about. You savage little primates have always been so dramatically colorful about the whole business. I really do miss all of your sharp shiny sticks!
One of my favorites happened in the Kyber Pass, when thousands of overdressed British soldiers, their poorly educated officers, and all of their expensive baggage and lady friends, were ambushed and slaughtered by fanatical Afghan tribesmen. Well, the fanatical Afghan tribesmen are still there. But instead of haughty British officers trying to appear more brave than the Light Brigade charging the Russian guns at in the Crimea with ‘jolly good cheer’ we’ve got your next door neighbor’s brat kid playing video games at a computer console in D.C. while some DOD suit struts around behind him pumping his fist, “Yeah Fuckmed, Uncle Slam is recalling that Toyota four-by-four in nine, eight, seven…”
Wow, even war is lame these days. Perhaps you primates might consider planetary science?
Welcome to Planet Obadrone
2012 U.S. payroll for mercenary soldiers and the assorted teamsters, pilots, construction workers and landscapers [and their considerable material] required to move and house them [I’m sorry but I was unable to determine if their meals were included. So, if I have left any commissary clerks or cooks out of the budget, I apologize.]: that would be 516 billion of your devalued dollars
-source, Nile Bowie, a little commie squeak hiding out in Malaysia, who has for some reason of late been demonstrating a pathological fear of model planes
Civilian casualties claimed by various Pakistani sources from U.S. Obadrone strikes: 1,990-3,308, depending on how many fingers the Islamic journalist in question had remaining to use his abacus. The Pakistani militants are claiming that 50 civilians are killed by Obadrone strike to every 1 alleged terrorist blown to shreds.
-source, biased, Islamic and positively medieval
The portion of the above Obadrone strike kills confirmed by a U.S. intelligence source: 482 killed, 265 of which were known to not be members of the terrorist group that destroyed your twin towers, and 6 of whom were known to be leaders of that same unsavory group.
-source, anonymous U.S. intelligence source, who is even now being interviewed in Dick Chaney’s basement by a Bosnian corrections contractor with a blow-torch
The number of Pakistani ‘Good Samaritans’ who were targeted and killed by follow up Obadrone strikes while rendering first aid to, or scraping up the remains of, the original Obadrone assassination target: 50
-source, some loud mouthed traitor named Ben Emerson
The number of innocent bystanders killed by Obadrone strikes targeting the funeral processions of already dead targets [My, what thorough little beasties you are!]: 20
-source, the same commie bastard as above
Percentage of Obadrone kills that are [excuse me, were] targeted individuals: 2% [Indicating that 98% of those killed have thoughtlessly caused plummeting housing values for their distraught surviving neighbors.]
-source, the ‘socialist’ University of the ‘People’s Republic’ of New York State
The name of the video game medal being awarded to UAV Drivers [kids sitting in Washington D.C. operating a joystick to kill distant barefoot enemies]: Distinguished Warfare Medal
-source, Associated Press
The number of Pakistani [I did not know you American primates were at war with your Pakistani counterparts.] civilians killed in the first 10 days of 2013: 11 [Not impressive really. West Baltimore teenagers killed as many unarmed Civilians with handguns in the same period.]
-source, Roosky Television
The response by United States Senator and humanitarian Lindsey Graham, when questioned about ‘extrajudicial killings’ by Obadrones, “We’ve killed four thousand seven hundred…sometimes you [I guess he is speaking to the video game kid.] hit innocent people, and I hate that, but we are at war...”
-source, RT.com [I like that Putin hires all of his female newscasters from New York strip clubs.]
Enjoy your heroic war my terrestrial fiends—I mean friends. Charles, is the bunker insolated yet? What about air conditioning? Are you sure? Yes thank you…have you located any suitable females who might be receptive to me in my current state of deterioration? Charles? Charles!
-Regal M-116-S
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