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Shaka Zulu’s Balls
The Royal Swazi Horn Dog’s Next Bride & The Origin of Beauty Pageants
© 2013 James LaFond
Well, balls seem to bring a lot of reads.
The article below was sent to me by a reader. My sage commentary shall follow.
Apparently it is still good to be king.
British News Article Posted on Yahoo
September 17, 2013 10:13 AM
Swaziland's King Mswati III has chosen an 18-year-old beauty pageant contestant as his 14th wife, a palace spokesman said Tuesday, days before a much-criticised parliamentary vote.
"I can confirm that the king has introduced to the nation a new liphovela (royal fiancee)," said Ludzidzini palace governor Timothy Mtetwa.
Mswati, a 45-year-old who is sub-Saharan Africa's last absolute monarch, introduced Sindiswa Dlamini at a Reed Dance celebration over the weekend, Mtetwa told AFP.
She wore red feathers on her head — a sign of royalty.
The young woman graduated from Mbabane's St. Francis High School last year and is a finalist in the Miss Cultural Heritage beauty pageant. The winner will be announced on September 28.
The king has come under fire for his household's lavish lifestyle while the tiny mountain kingdom's 1.2 million people struggle to make a living.
Mswati reportedly has a personal fortune of around $200 million (152 euros) and the UN estimates that 70 percent of his 1.2 million subjects live below the poverty line.
He has steadfastly resisted reforms.
The new engagement was announced at a festival which also counted regional delegates who will observe parliamentary elections on Friday.
Critics have slammed the polls as a sham, partly because political parties are banned and candidates are hand-picked by traditional leaders.
The weekend's celebrations were a smaller repeat of last month's official annual Reed Dance, where young virgins from across the kingdom gather and dance for the king.
"It just happened that the international community was there to witness the event," said Mtetwa.
The wedding only takes place once the fiancee falls pregnant. Dlamini will then become Mswati's 14th wife.
The monarch's colourful private life is off-limits in local media, but has drawn a lot of international interest.
Three wives left the household in recent years. The latest, Queen LaGija, fled the palace in 2012 claiming years of physical and emotional abuse.
Another queen, LaDube, was reportedly abused after she was caught in bed with the justice minister, a close friend of the king.
Mswati had kidnapped and married the queen when she was 16 in 2005.
In Defense of His Majesty
I am thinking that one day Mswati may not be steadfast enough for the latest bride. The old ones are probably already throwing rocks at him. Seriously, we must think beyond the bedroom here. Do you realize what a mother-in-law burden this man is shouldering? Incidentally, the ‘we’re are not married until you are pregnant’ is an ingenious clause.
The Plight of the Shiluk Kings
There was one tribe in Africa that as late as the 19th Century practiced a type of polygamy-based kingship. This generated an enormous number of children. The King was the symbol of the life of the tribe, their vested virility identity. If at any time he showed signs of sickness he was killed; strangled by order of the elders. If at any time he failed to satisfy the sexual desire of his many dozens of wives they could accuse him of a lack of virility. If the King was found guilty of placidity he would be sentenced to death; strangled by order of the elders.
Do you all realize how much work this had to entail? I can tell you from experience, that when you are dating more than one woman and they know it, they all demand more frequent sex to prove that you are not really interested in the other one. Imagine forty spiteful mammas competing with each other for your tired ass! If you think that sounds great it is only because you are not getting laid.
Remember, this was pre-Viagra. You know the witch doctor saw this dude a lot and probably made him eat lion balls. Okay, so you hate sex before your twenty-five, with 40 ever enlarging amazons ready to sentence you to death if you can’t crank the O-meter with your hips. But let’s just say you are the Ron Jeremy of Iron Age Africa, and you keep all of those babes happy and pregnant even as you dodge the spears of enemy tribesmen as you travel from village to village siring the next line of warriors.
What kind of retirement does King Jams All Night have to look forward to?
The law of the land was, that at any time, in any place, for any reason, a son of the King thought he was able to he could challenge his father to mortal combat. Think about that. You are forty years old and your first dozen or so sons reach maturity just as your gut has begun to obscure your prodigious instrument of genetic tyranny. I can tell you from experience, that the only thing worse than fighting a room full of guys half your age at a tournament is doing it after you spent the night with some forty year old chick who is starting to feel ugly and is convinced you’re her last chance at an orgasm.
Michael Jordon as Genghis Khan
Shaka Zulu was the most blood thirsty tyrant to ever rise in Africa, and engineered the killing of millions with sharp thrusting spears which were his innovation. This psychologically phallic blood lust of his was said to be associated with his inability to have sex.
Mswati might be reprehensible, but a guy with this level of domestic weight on his shoulders is less likely to put your head on a stick. Maybe the Shiluk had a point. Actually I think, since he seems to be a pig, that he should have to fight Evander Holyfield, winner take all the wives, and the loser the smaller mansion.
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