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Critter Apocalypse
Predator Extreme, August 2013, Patrick Durkin, Tom Austin, Dave Kaprocki, Lance Homman
© 2014 James LaFond
FEB/14/14
Okay, if you are a coyote, and you can read, memorize those four names above, because, if you win this war—an opposable dew claw would help I suppose—then these dudes need to stand trial for warcrimes against coyote kind. Pass the names out and down to your young because it’s looking like a bloody counter attack is coming, and some of the blueprints are to be found in Predator Extreme magazine.
If that seems kind of odd to you human readers, you need to read this magazine. As with anything geared towards outdoorsmen it is basically an equipment catalogue, with most of the equipment being stuff you don’t want to be on the business end of. The magazine is geared toward hunters of wolf, cougar, coyote, fox, and raccoon. Anything with teeth or claws seems to be game. I have developed an interest in this subject because of the numerous foxes living in my neighborhood more than two miles inside the Baltimore City limits.
The answer to the fox migration is found in Mister Durkin’s article The Red Fox: Can it Rebound? The conclusion is that coyotes are driving foxes into our laps like girls sneaking into prison to get away from something worse. I was awed by some of the numbers. Here is one. In 1997 104,165 coyotes were killed by hunters in the state of Illinois! And the population is still growing.
What gives with the coyotes?
Not much apparently. According to the articles by Austin, Kaprocki and Homman, 100 years of trying to kill coyotes has just turned them into a breed of canine super insurgents, quite literally ‘putting it to The Man’. The Black Panthers should rename themselves the Black Coyotes! The Coyote is little, crafty, and hard to kill. If there are any coyote hunters out there who have a spare pelt, I’d like one for my fencing mask.
Throughout the magazine it should be noted for your animal loving types, that these hunters are very interested in conserving the more majestic predators, like big cats and wolves, and even making sure the puny fox does not perish. Calling All Cheetah, a safari article by recreational animal killer John Salevurakis, makes the point that wherever wealthy dudes like him go to kill noble animals for trophies, that that species will enjoy local protection, as they are big revenue sources. Why kill it and sell its testicles to a Chinese pharmacist when you can get some fat American to pay you and do the work?
When intrusive governments like the U.S. ban hunting of certain animals, than none of the locals care about them, and, when the animals impinge upon their livestock or farm, they “shoot, shovel, and shut up”. It might seem creepy to you liberals to see some guy posing with a bunch of animals he has just killed as if they are the closest of friends. But, if he isn’t paying to shoot these things, they will eventually be replaced by pigs, cows and chickens.
I for one am in favor of human hunting safaris. I know my endorsement probably just ruined the idea. It does have its merits.
Now, for the best part of this shocking magazine, I would like to describe the best print ad of all time! First, if you grew up in the 1970s you surely recall among the images of nuclear Armageddon, an image of a Kansas farmer looking skyward to see either outgoing U.S. ICBMs or incoming Soviet warheads. Keep that in mind.
On page 67 is an image of a prairie dog having risen early one morning from his cozy burrow. Printed at his feet are the words ‘The End is Near’. He looks up into the sky to see 8 fully jacketed bullets coming his way, his little proto-hands being rung in disbelief, his little mouth open to sound the warning call. He should have known, for the footer contains the following:
‘Varmageddon by Nosler’
‘The varmint’s day are numbered.’
‘Accuracy is here to stay.’
If aliens ever land, I wonder if they are going to run ads like that in Human Hunting Light-yearly?
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