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Tack Hammer Defense?
An Emergency Self-Defense Post for the Arkham Reporter: 10/31/23
© 2023 James LaFond
NOV/3/23
We must not permit an H.P. Lovecraft Curator to be cast adrift in danger in a disarmed high trust nation suffering low trust, high thrust invasion! Inthesegoingsdown has asked that his fellow horror literature scholar not be cast a drift on these Mad Seas of Infinity without some legally sustainable tool for survival.
Inthesegoingsdown sent me a picture of the light household tool. In Europe, and in the Sheeple’s Republic of Anglomurkinpie Cuckmenistan, trade tools will be zeroed [1] in on by the insipid functionaries of The State, our Leviathan Foe, as weapons. Household tools are therefor your legally sustainable defense weapons, particularly for household defense.
Tack Hammer Parameters: Or Abiding by the Universal Anti-Human Code of Fagg╬┐try
To strike a single blow:
-You must be in fear for your life.
-You may not act to protect property, only persons.
-These persons must be unable to escape the threat, either from age, infirmity, position or lack of egress.
-You may not carry the tool in pocket or hand outside the home.
-Legal Device. Place the tool in a light hand bag, a flat one like a lap top case with handle, containing picture wire, finishing nails and tacks and a picture frame, for your side business of framing and installing H.P. Lovecraft pulp magazine art. The handle will be held in the left hand, the handle of the hammer sticking up and out of an open slot facing your left hip, not easily visible to others. You are now prepared to go to your client’s flat to do your work.
Threat Interaction
-Never speak with the invader, ever.
-Never stand with feet parallel.
-When threatened, step back with whatever leg was in the lead as you pull your shield hand against your lower left rib and slide your right hand behind it to take hold of your hammer handle.
-Do not brandish or show the hammer once in hand, hide it.
-Chin down, mouth closed, teeth clenched to place tension there.
-Relax your body as you breath through your nose.
-Practice the following motions from either a left foot lead or right foot lead:
-#1. Slide the hammer out to your right armpit by pulling your elbow way back behind.
-#2. Raise, sweep or thrust with the shield depending on the threat you imagine. This may be a backpack as well, or a handheld jacket or shirt. You should never venture at night without such a shield in hand. This might also be a hat. In your home this may be a book, pillow, plate, frying pan, place mat, door mat, towel, etc.
-#3. Practice or expect failure. Practice alone. Practice in the home, in the dark and by day when you are alone. Practice or expect failure. When you get bored with the practice and then keep doing it, congratulations, you are now training and have more than a prayer of success.
-#4. Shield use is as important as weapon use. It magnifies the effect of a weapon, by hiding it and giving an item to whip at their eyes or deflect weapon strokes between blows.
-#5. From the couched armpit guard thrust with the flat top of the hammer. This is as wide as a fist and has a good chance or scoring and is unlikely to damage the fragile handle.
-6#. If an attacker has helpers, has a weapon, is a big mug or is trying to grab your legs!:
…chop, do not swing, diagonally targeting his left eye. Your stroke should arc out, across, back and down towards your left hip, BEHIND your shield, opposite of how we would use a sword or machete.
-#7. Follow the forehand with a step back with whichever leg is forward [you will find out in training what leg you like forward] as you do a lateral back hand chop to his right eye. This chop should bring the hammer hand to your shoulder. The weapon is now out and known.
-#SEVEN!: If there is more than one attacker and you have struck one, then hurt the uninjured fellow so he cannot claim witness status to the police. Here may well be a tableuax. If they have better weapons that have been undeployed you will see them and maybe be shot. I’d shoot your ass at this point. If they have a blade or blunt weapon you may use your cross stepping, always changing what foot is forward, as a way to yoyo bluff and bait them to give you more and more space.
-#SEVEN?: Most current primates lack the courage to go weapon to weapon. The one who is unarmed is most likely to try and get your weapon. This fellow my grab your shield. As he yanks on that, he has given you tension linkage for a clean hammer chop into the eye. If he is really desirous of that shield, let him have it. They might be picture hangers themselves in need of wire! They might even be unionized!
If the neck of this light hammer breaks, use the handle as a hand stick as shown on Inthesegoingsdown.
Shieldless Tack Hammer Use
Reverse the grip.
Be sure and use the right hand to protect your heard from a knife stab.
Study videos of southpaw, or left handed boxers like Lomenchenko for potential angels of defense.
Slide your fist down to the hammer head.
Use the stick end coming out from the top of your fist as a ward against a weapon and to sweep, thrust and backhand at the eyes to get the foe to lift chin.
Punch with the fist, a good fist it will be. The hammer head and handle in hand will help prevent boxer’s fracture.
If at any time you miss with a punch, or handle stroke and you find your fist over his right shoulder, backhand his pumpkin head with that hammer head, a lateral back fist that brings your fist back to your right shoulder from where you may smash downward or diagonal [not lateral, that will hurt your elbow] to his collar bone, especially if he is a skinny. Top of the head is not a good target. If he is head down and coming in, smash in the base of the skull or cervical spine.
The Checking Hand
When shieldless, you must use your left hand to:
-1. Shield head with hand,
-2. Shield throat with wrist,
-3. Shield heart and lung with elbow,
-4. Check that chimp’s left shoulder when he comes for your hips and legs,
-5. Sweep blades away from your tender guts with the outer radial bone that runs from the heel of the hand to the elbow, to avoid the arteries on the inside of the wrist getting cut.
-6. The checking hand determines effect and retention of the weapon in close quarters, such as home, train, bus or walkway, more than any factor.
-7. Every time you back-stroke, ALWAYS insert the empty hand to facilitate getting your weapon back, even to pry it out of his baboon skull so to crack his fellow back to the Dismal Bowels of Darkest Acheron.
-8. Every time you switch step, changing what leg is in the lead, insert that checking hand.
-9. Every time you check a foe [practice with a table and chairs, the table the morale and cohesion of the troop of baboons and the chairs the individuals] practice keeping that boon in between you and his mate on left or right as you stroke your weapon into the mate on his other side and move that way, now using this boon as a post, and so on. Repeat until they desist and howl heavenward for God Government to dispatch his Angelic Police to avenge them, for you have deprived them of feed in your Masters’ royal stable.
Recall that the gods hated even Herakles, especially for slaying their retarded cyclopean beef herder. Recall that Enkidu was slain by the gods for helping Gilgamesh slay The Bull of Heaven. You see, where the gods are concerned, we are the beeves and any of us haughty enough to play the hero…
Well, take care and trust that your training will very often [hundreds of times for me] be sensed as a substance underpinning your obvious resolve, that will encourage them, these beasts with intact instincts, to abandon their uncaring masters’ plan to drive us to extinction and instead seek their own petty and immediate continuation. This process has made my traditional enemies, from coast to coast, from Chimp City to Baboon Town to the Gorilla Pillars, MY UNWITTING ALLIES against the Young Gods who have raised their square glass and steel towers over us by setting the lurid instincts of the Groes upon the logical precincts of our pallid society.
Unlike in the movies and on TV, the bad guys rarely willingly die for the Big Guy.
Notes
-1. There are, or their will be, before 2029, local, state and national laws, mandates or, most probably INSURANCE REGULATIONS or “safety” rules against tradesmen transporting tools off or to the worksite, or even owning their own tools. Also, in some places the ownership of tools will be restricted.
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