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The Worst Combat Idea Since the French Knights Decided to Walk a Mile in the Mud at Agincourt: Agonistics Anonymous

During a recent meeting of lacerated and concussed minds, a Modern Agonistics fighter, who shall remain nameless though not blameless, suggested, ‘a drunken agon’.

A high-level investigative discovery process, in the best tradition of Western Science, ensued, in which it was decided that we would combine drinking alcohol and fighting with sticks—blades are out. Boxing and MMA is out. Heavy weapons are out. Just rattan sticks from 14-32 inches, and perhaps some light non-metallic shields.

Okay, forensic safety concerns are out of the way. What about the other three big hurdles?

An excuse?

Ah, yes, we do this for a higher purpose! It was suggested that we not break the law on video by having our under-21 fighters drink and compete. So, the young lady will referee, and the young stud will fight sober as a proxy for the spectators! This provides us with some cover, as we may then claim to be sacrificing our bodies and minds to prove that combining the drinking of alcohol and combat sports is a bad idea. It was then suggested that this agon be titled Agonistics Anonymous. Also, as our mission is partially dedicated to the spirit of experimental archaeology, I suggested this as a study of our combat-effectiveness under the influence. Indeed, Makedonian, Greek, Mongol, Germanic, and Viking warriors were known to fight under the influence.

DATE: July 5, 2014
VENUE: Call James for directions to our faithful host's residence in DUNDALK, MARYLAND

The drinking aspect?

Valhalla Style Stick-fighting
Team Drunk: Charles & James
Team Sober: All Remaining Fighters

This is my suggestion. We should, if the atrocity unfolds, discuss the terms while sober at the venue.

  1. This is a challenge meet. The challenger chooses his opponent and the weapon set. Each fighter may make one challenge for each drink he has consumed, to be logged with the record keeper/bar tender.
  2. The sober proxy may be sent into combat against any fighter by a member of the audience. That audience member may demand that the fighter selected to face the proxy drink a beer, or a shot, immediately before the fight. Such beverages shall be provided by the spectator making the match.
  3. The Cory rule. As we agreed upon this, reluctantly, one-by-one, it dawned on the three of us—seemingly all at the same time—that a 350 pound Irishman, might have a certain advantage at such a meet. All at once we looked at each other and said, “Cory!” I e-mailed Cory inquiring as to his possible participation in the crushing of smaller more inebriated chimps, and he responded in the affirmative. With the unique drinking ability of some men in mind, I suggest, that—to ferret out non-challenging fighters who are trying to stay sober—that a challenger may give up the weapon selection to the challenged, and instead demand that the challenged fighter take a drink just before the bout.
  4. Humungous Amongus, was suggested by some of our female associates, based on Erique’s one-time suggestion that he would be willing to fight in a diaper in imitation of the chief villain from the classic post-Apocalyptic movie The Road Warrior.

    5. Oh yes, we are looking for a ring-card girl. If you believe yourself to be qualified, I shall reluctantly agree to sit for your audition. It would be the least I could not in the name of science...

  5. I can only imagine the cringes this event will illicit. Let us just keep in mind that it shall all be in the name of science, and take place in July, at an undisclosed location in the Baltimore area.
In honor of the ancients...
In Honor of the Ancients
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