Click to Subscribe
Pour One Out Fah Da Homiez
An Adaptation of the Libation Bearers by Crackpot and Banjo
© 2019 James LaFond
The sequel to Automagnum, a Hip Hop Tragedy based on the forgotten rap of some dead white dude.
Libation Bearers is tougher for me but here is an attempt. There's a lot of little things going on and being the dummy I am, I have had to read through both the story and Fagles notes to grasp some of the more nuanced aspects. I am sure I screwed a lot of up and missed a lot here but that's where you can do some a dat big brained pterodactyl hexhammer dinosaur shit that you do M.C. Lafond. Thesis work for a PH.D. [Pimp Hoe Directorship] in Negrology under the tutelage of the esteemed Doctor LaFond. Will Robert Fagles talk to me if we win a PEN/Ralph Manheim Medal for Translation?
Dear colleague, Fagles will be too jealous to recognize the value of this afternoon’s work. You see, if we take the hundreds of hours Fagles worked on this, and have that trifling Archimedes [get that Italian hitter to stay his hand until our Syracusean bookie does the equation] to average it with the number of seconds devoted to current hip hop composition, then we should be in the ball park for authentic comparative rate of composition.
Begin Translation for The Libation Bearers or Pour One Out Fah Da Homiez
Arrestes go to he daddy grave,
Wit hiz homey Pilealadies—
A pimp none-too-brave
En begin ta plead en rave:
"Why momma kilt yo ass—
At yo own bar be que?
Why, daddy why?
Soul brutha by a metafecal muvafuca [1] gibs me dat ho-smackin’ cue!"
Arrestes so sad he cut 2 his own cornrows,
En trowed it on da grave:
One fah Auto-daddy,
En one fah sum nachos—he one weird-ass nigga.
Clitallmenstril be chuggin' sizzurp an havin' wild ass dreams,
Shades en snakes suckin' on her titties and shid.
She be all, "Erectra, get doz fine-ass hoes and pour one out fah ya daddy at ‘is grave.”
Cuz ah said so, girl—Mah ass gittin' haunted."
Erectra en doz fine-ass hoes roll to the grave.
Orestes tinks it might be 5-Oh en hides—skulkin’ low.
Electra pulls da panties down on a forty o’ Ol' E but foget how ta pray…
Shitz unseemly, but She finally get her prayer on.
"Send sum cold-blooded nigga to keehaul mah crazy bitch momma."
She pour one out and sees the cornrows:
"What day fuk dat? I know dat nasty weave.
Mah brotha' Arrestes!"
Arrestes jump out from behine a statue of Athena, "It's me bitch!"
Erectra be all, "kill dat bitch en her womanhearted ol' man Allbuffenshit.”
Arrestes be all "I should," en Erectra be all "Then do it, nikka!"
Arrestes be all "I will. Apollo wanz me to anyway, bitch."
Automagnum’s hoodrats pour one out ta Zeus and Apollo.
Den dey be takin all day ta come up wit sum ratchet-ass plan.
Deez palyas ain't too bright—Doe we aready knowd dat shit…
When Automagnum got rolled at da Atreus family bar be que.
Dey plan is ta kick in da doe en kill Clitallmenstril en Allbuffenshit.
Shit aint even really a plan.
They just be sayin' whut day fuk they gonna do:
Whad dey need is ta hire a Mexican gunman en a fast-talkin’ Jew.
Arrestes en pimpin’ Pilealadies roll up to the elevata of the project,
En sum crackhead guard be blockin' da path. "Where da fuk you going nikka?"
Arrestes be all, "You see me pushin' da 26th floor. Where dah fuck you think I'm goin'?”
Crackhead ounked out, he shout, “Now get on yo burner en announce ma ass is coming."
Ski-masks on, dey go up and Erectra brings Clitallemenstril out…
Bitch did’n even know her own chyle, en shout "Who da fuck you?"
Arrestes sez, "You son Arrestes is dead as fuck."
Stupit lead-eatin bitch trowed herself on da ground en be bawlin', "Mah boy, mah boy. He dindu nuffin en now he dead!"
I'm tellin' ya this family dumb.
Clyt gedz Orestes' ol nurse ta put Arrestes and Pilealadies up in a room. Arrestes OG nurse—bitch deserve her own song—
Goes en gitz Allbuffenshit
So his trifflin’ ass cain be git got.
Allbuffenshit packs up with some cold blooded niggas and the nurse sez,
"Is you sum weak nikka needs to roll bitch deep?”
Allbuffenshit, dumb as fuck, trunrs to his crew en sez,
“Nah dawgs, ah don' need ta roll witchya dowgs—later.”
Enta Allbuffenshit, all struttin’ en fit.
En Arrestes shouts, “Nikka, take dis!”
Arrestes gibs dat nikka a stab en a twist.
“AEIIII!!!,” wings dat ole Buffenshit bitch down to the cities of dust.
Hearin’ all dis, man-Bitch Clitallmenstril shouts,
“What dah fuck—gibs me mah axe—I’m takin’ care a bidniz!”
Arrestes crashes da door, draggin' dead-ass Allbuffenshit,
Wit Pilealadiss pimpin’ at his six, shoutin’, "You next bitch!"
Clitallmenstril be "Wait! You caint kill yo momma! I brought yo ass into da world!"
Arrestes is like, "Shit dat mah momma! I caint kill ma momma! Pylades wut a nikka to do?"
Pilealadies, being a cold blooded OG and sez, "Kill dat bitch. Apollo said you gotta."
“But I’m his momma!” whined the man-bitch.
Clitallmenstril was on her knees, tryin’ ta plead, “Not me!”
Arrestes hesitates, but Pilaladies sez, “Stab dat bitch up!”
So Automagnum’s boy shouts, "Bitch, You dun played yo-self when you kilt ma daddy—I’d do you if you was fine-ass Aprodite."
“AEEIIII!!!” winged Clitallmenstril’s shade down ta where dwell dey who nevea rise up.
Arrestes see da towel Momma wrapped Daddy with—en she done cut his shit up.
Arrestes cries in the towel, all sad about killing his momma.
Arrestes starts seein’ gorgons en serpents like his crazy momma did. "I gotta git da fuck outta here. Maybe I roll to Hotlanta for a spell, chill and pray ta Apollo." [2]
En don’t ya know, dat playa, Pilealadies always on da case, “Fool, doncha know dat the Apollo be up in Harlem?”
-1. Hermes, Escort of Souls, guardian of travelers and athletes
-2. Apollo, God of the solar disc, The Shinning One, patron of augers, musicians, archers, wolves, plague, boxers and guardian/avenger of Troy and hence of Cassandra, who spake his prophecy.
Happily Ever Under: The History of the Sexes According to Jack and Jill
guest authors
'Master-Servant Rule'
the combat space
honor among men
black & pale
buzz bunny
  Add a new comment below: