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Toby & Benny Bear
American Dog #5
© 2023 James LaFond
“You are the best, Benny Bear!” barked Toby.
“Come on, Tobes,” encouraged Benny, Time’s a wastin’ bacon’s gettin’ cold!”
Benny opened the driver’s side door and Toby leaped up into the seat, sat behind the wheel and barked, “Toby, King of Dogs, Buddy of Benny King of Apes—Dog of the Road!”
Benny laughed, “Come on Tobes, you gotz ta move over.”
Toby did so and sat on the passenger seat in the little pick up truck and barked, “Benny is taking me to town—all other humans suck! Benny Bear cares!”
“You know it, Tobes, now here, open this up, bacon is gettin’ cold.”
Benny had a three pack of Hurricane Malt Liquor, three big, ape brain-frying cans of chemical insanity what helped an ape that cleaned up bigger ape’s poo ditches all day, forget the nastiness of his plight.
Go on, Tobes, I’m in a hurry—bacon won’t wait all day, open it up.”
Toby got to work with his dew claw and canines and ripped that tight plastic wrap off of the three cans, two cans falling to the floor and the other held proudly between his teeth by the lip.
“Tobes!” drawled Benny, “You da bes’ bro—bes dog in da world!”
“You know it, Benny Bear!” barked Toby.
As Benny zoomed down the dark driveway, the headlights beaming off the hanging cedar boughs and moss-covered post fence, he cracked open that big beer can with one hand and began chugging it, suds dripping down his front, even as he turned right, cut off some other human that Toby could care less about, caused that human to veer off into the black berry bushes and Benny to apologize as he drank, “Mah bad, mistah—it’s all Tobes fault, gettin’ me drunk behine the wheel en all...”
Toby barked into the speeding shadows of night, “Dog of the Road—Truck Dog, friend of Benny—coming for your bacon and your cheese! Out, of, the, way!”
Instead of turning left to Burger King, Benny turned right, grinning into the savage night. There was something about Annie in the dark light of Benny’s blue eyes as he declared, “I know boy, we ain’t goin’ ta Burger King, burger king is comin’ ta us!”
Toby barked into the speeding night as some stupid human perched on a two wheeled wire rack that one rolled along by pushing on foot platforms, was driven into the black berry bushes by Benny, to which he drawled, as he drank his heavy gravity beer, “Mah bad, Mistah.”
Toby barked, “Humans on two wheels suck! You are sub standard! Enjoy the thorny ditch!”
In a few more speeding moments, Benny pulled over into a circular space for turning cars and trucks. There, in a nice truck like Mamma Bear’s SUV, sat two young, human bitches wearing Burger King uniforms.
Toby was concerned and whined, “Could this possibly interfere with my bacon feed?”
Benny patted him on the head and said, “Burger King came to see The King. Now you stay here and the nice lady will feed you.”
Two excited young bitches, one small with dark hair and the other plump with blond hair, bounced on their toes and hugged and kissed Benny. They then hugged each other as Benny pointed out Toby to the plump blond one and she came his way, with a Burger King bag!
“Food!” barked Toby.
“Yummy, greasy, human food!” barked Toby as he wagged his tail.
The blond woman, who he recalled as the one who gave him extra slices of bacon through the feed window, opened the truck door, sat in, sighed, “Just my luck, rock-paper-scissors gets me sloppy seconds again. Stacy is such a greedy little slut.”
“The heck with that bitch! Barked Toby… “Fooooodddd!!!”
This was possibly the beginning of Toby’s best ever night. Becky, the Burger King bitch, fawned all over Toby, averting her gaze from the fogged up windows of the rocking SUV, scratching his ears and his dry haunches while she went on about the woes of being a plump human bitch, about being second fiddle to the petite human bitches.
“I don’t care if you’re fat, bitch—feed me them fries!” whined Toby.
“Bitch, of course you're lonely, that makes you available to feed me more of those fries! What other purpose do you serve?”
“Yes, we all love Benny Bear, and since that little bitch is loving him a long time, you have the leisure available to you, to feed me the rest of those fries!”
“Those are oh so yummy good,” snarled Toby as she bemoaned her lonely nights.
She was getting irritating and was not paying enough attention to his feed, so he pawed the beer can that was not yet empty and looked at her knowingly and she moaned, “Oh, Toby, you care. Sure, I’ll have a drink and drown my sorrows while Benny services my pretty little friend! Life is not fair, Toby!”
“Bitch,” barked Toby, then he reached down with his right paw and rolled one of the two unopened cans on the floor, “then drink more of this dragon piss, its what sad humans do!”
“Awes, Toby, you’re the best dog!”
Becky then opened up the bacon container, packed with bacon, not just two slices, and left it by the gear box for Toby to thrust his greedy muzzle into while she cracked that big can and drained it like she was dying of thirst.
“Yummy, bitch brought bacon! Yum, yum, yum,” exalted Toby as Becky got drunk…
There was still some bacon grease, but he could come back to this. It was burger time.
There was a knock on the window and Toby looked up to see the little night-haired bitch, and noticed that there was a slant to her eyes. This brought suspicion to his canine mind. But, she was Benny’s bitch, so as long as she towed the line, they’d get on fine.
Becky hugged Toby and slid out of the truck and walked by her little friend without a word.
Becky shut herself into this bitch’s SUV—she smelled like an SUV, so it had to be hers. This bitch, whatever her name was, smelled a lot like Benny now and he noted that she seemed satisfied, sighed, and neglected scratching or petting Toby.
“Bitch, know your role. You were sent here by Benny Bear to get my feed on,” whined Toby as he pawed the paper bag which had yet to be unburdened of that yummy in Toby’s forever yearning tummy burger!
The bitch got the right idea, then took out the burger, looked at it, smelled it, looked at Toby, then looked down at the empty fries box and the empty bacon box. Unwrapping the burger, she looked at Toby and said, “This is too good for a dog. I’m hungry—Benny promised to take me out to eat and he’s over there rocking Becky’s world instead."
The bitch then bit into the burger and chewed, lustfully, “Never had one—this is surprisingly good.”
Toby, who would be diagnosed as having a high time preference by behavioral eugenicists, if he were human, flew into a towering inferno of rage, “Slanty-Eyed Devil Bitch!”
She squeaked and then peeped as Toby barked and slathered and snarled and gnashed his flesh-ripping teeth. Knowing better then to bite a human bitch, Toby “swacked” her across the face with his right paw and she dropped the burger, screamed, and opened the car door with such haste that she fell out on her face, Toby prancing upon her back and, hackles up snarling in her ear.
“Bitch,” barked Toby, hackles up, fangs clacking, and she broke and ran, Toby hot on her heels, not wanting to catch her, of course, but simply to make her into a slanty-eyed two legged rabbit.
As the little bitch ran daintily around the SUV occupied by Benny and her friend, she peeped and squeaked for help. But those humans in there, whatever they were doing, where making noise equal to the rocking of the vehicle, which creaked like Granny’s chair, as Toby coursed that greedy, slant-eyed, Benny-fun bitch around and around the SUV from Burger King…
The smell of the burger beckoned from her mouth as she whimpered and sat back against the rocking SUV, reminding Toby that something still yummy was alone on the floor of Benny’s truck.
“Later, got to get my feed on,” snarled Toby as he trotted off.
Eventually, the SUV stopped rocking and Toby repaired to his place of dignity. The woman said very little to Benny or her blond friend, who no longer seemed bitter.
Benny, for his part, was unshaken by the night’s events and asked, “Toby, you didn’t let those bitches drink all my beer, did ya?”
Toby looked down at the can on the floor and barked, “Guarded the last can with my life, Benny!”
“Good boy,” said Benny as he cracked the can and both trucks went their own way into the light streaked shadows of night.
-1. I have noted, as Toby’s hagiographer, that he does not like Asian people and demonstrates a deep antipathy for them.
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