In order to retain your testicles and preserve your masculine psychology, you will be relegated to living in a metaphoric cave—and if the bitch you married permits, perhaps an actual man cave in the basement of HER house.

Before offloading, be certain to take a copy of On Bitches with you. It is located next to the oxygen mask in the emergency panel above your seat.

Do not take the stairs. Those are for your stewardess. After her departure, hit the testosterone switch above you—the blue one if you watched her leave, the pink one if you were combing your hair.

When you splash down, swim—without breathing or swallowing—toward the towering obelisk that penetrates the bitch sky to your left. If you hit the pink button, or take in any of the liquid, just keep swallowing and drown. It’s the estrogen pond, men, your first of many tests!