In Salem Oregon, at Bush’s Pasture Park, 4 joggers have been attacked while running, two suffering head and neck injuries, which, although minor, did cause a great sense of persecution on the part of the ‘victims’, for the attacker was white—and an obvious right-wing extremist!

Upon investigation it was determined, that since the attacker was not a white human, but a barrel owl, snatching hats for its nest from the heads of the pointlessly ambling primates, officials decided not to press for hate crime charges. Joggers who have asked for protection have even been spurned by extremist officials. Showing a disturbing lack of sensitivity city parks superintendent Keith Keever, who one is now moved to consider as a possible accomplice—perhaps in a Renfeld-Dracula manner—unsympathetically proclaimed, “There’s plenty of other places to run in Salem.”

This author hopes that barrel owls will develop a means whereby they may communicate with cougars and coordinate attacks in a Left Coast Jogger Genocide.